Upward Swing

Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried since well my birthday really but mainly since things ended between us. I still have my low times during the day but no tears. I won't say I won't cry again from all of these things but for now things seemed to have settled down. I am trying my best to concentrate on studying for my boards which are at the end of this month and to rest my heart in the loving arms of family, friends and my Savior. I think one thing that was making me so upset was that I think I was trying to deny that I cared about him or that I still do care about him. I realized that trying to push my love for him out of my mind made the situation worse. I know some people may want to call me a glutton for punishment for keeping conversation or even a friendship going at this point, but for me I think its therapy. I do still care about him, I want what is best for him and one day I wake up and I won't be in love with him anymore and I'll just love him as a brother in Christ. But for now, I am not going to deny it because it would not be truly how I feel about him. Yes, I'm hurt and yes I'm upset but time will mend all things. I think its funny that he was the one who encouraged me to start blogging again and I did ... the week before things ended between us. Now I have some way to express everything I'm feeling, or most everything.

As much as I'm hurt, I am not going to bash him and I am not going to say mean things about him but I will say that he needs prayers and he needs healing even more than I do. For most people who know me can say they have never seen me like this before, and to all of you who have been going through this with me... I hope you never have to see me go through this again. I don't like admitting that I'm depressed or that I am not eating hardly anything but one thing thing at a time. I can't expect everything to get magically better all at once. God knew what he was doing when He put Ben into my life and He knew was He was doing when He took him out. God has some greater plan for me, and if I wanted so badly for something to work out that was wrong for me, imagine how beautiful it will be when He puts the right person in my life. I want someone who will keep fighting for me to the very end, someone that will go to the feet of the Father and ask for my heart. To romance it, to nourish it, to trust in it, and to hold it until either one of our souls leaves this earth. A relationship with God is such poetry and romance, it is so hard for me to see how people can't believe that God is personal.

I think of all of my friends who are married, or are getting married and think how blessed they are. I am so happy for them that they have waited and have waited and finally found the person God intended for them. I know they always say it happens when you least expect it and that is why I thought the relationship I had was so different. It took me completely by surprise and in a sense it ended completely by surprise. I look forward to the day when I meet the person God has intended for me and I realize then why it never worked out with anyone else. I am Christ's beloved, his own darling daughter, and I pray for the strength to live each day for Him and to never cease to praise Him.

+AMDG+