Home is Where the Heart is

I think my flight home was the longest flight of my life. I think because all I could think about was the last 10 months and how I always have flown alone before I met you and then I finally didn't have to fly alone anymore and now I am back to flying alone again. I really don't know what to say at this point, in some ways it gets easier every day but I still cry, can't sleep, and can't eat. I cried several times on the flight home, while sitting next to one tall disgruntled man playing several games on his Ipad the whole time and another business man with his blackberry and sleeping the other half, I went unnoticed.

I may never understand the reasoning for all of this but I surely do know that God has something better in store for me. I need to trust in His plan and continue to seek His will for me. I got off the plane and I saw my mom and I ran up to her and hugged her and started to sob. I have been longing for someone to hold me and hug me for the last 3 days. Even though I have had so many friends calling and checking in on me, the feeling of that love being able to be physically manifest meant the entire. I don't know if blogging will end up becoming some kind of therapy for me in a sense but atleast I won't go through all of this and one day come to the end and think "I never said that, or I wish I had let others in to what was going on with me." I was promised the world and the rug was taken right out from under my feet. But one thing I realized is that everything is a gift from God and I could not have been given something or promised something that the Father didn't want me to have.

Growing up and growing older I saw countless friends get their hearts broken and I have come to the rescue. I felt that I had learned from some of their mistakes or maybe from some of the dishonest qualities their ex's had exhibited. I have always been afraid to fall in love with someone because I have seen the hurt and pain in others when things have not worked out and when they have put their all in a relationship only to see it fail. I didn't want to become the person I saw after that destruction. I was the strong person for them in that situation, and now I am the person   in that situation. My friends couldn't believe that I had finally found someone and that I was really taking a chance and becoming vulnerable to someone. I realize now even through the pain that that is the only way to have a relationship, is to be vulnerable to one another. Too bad in my case that it wasn't a two way street. I moved 2500 miles across the country away from family and friends and anyone I really knew to be with someone who didn't place me at the same priority that I placed him.

In the end, I am back with my family and friends, back to people and a community that cares about me, and back to people who respect and love me for the way I am. There is not a part of me that is unfulfilling, missing, or not good enough to the people here. I    may have my down times for awhile but I will hold my head up high knowing that I am a beautiful daughter of Christ and I followed His will faithfully to the end. I can't thank my friends and family enough for being there through all of these hard times, especially recently. I will allow myself to be enveloped by the saving arms of Christ and to bury my heart in Him. That it may be nurtured, healed, and loved until a man worthy of my love comes to the Father and asks for it. Such a beautiful thought, and so many things to hope for and to come.

+AMDG+