Day 4

I couldn't really think of a title for this day, except that it was another day and day 4 without crying. I had a harder time today than in the last few days. I couldn't tell you why but I woke up this morning not feeling my best and I went to Panera to study during the day and found myself thinking of things I needed to do and things I should do but really had no desire to do. One thing I believe I've been blessed with is a deep insight into situations and matters of the heart. I have come to a lot of realizations lately about myself and about how I deal with things. I know also as I find more about myself, I am able to pinpoint my weaknesses. I don't necessarily get discouraged the more I find out that I need to fix but rather I get overwhelmed with trying to fix everything at once and not realizing not everything is an easy fix. As I also come to know my weaknesses and my strengths more intimately, Satan is ever knocking at my door. He knows where I'm weak and he tries to use my feelings of doubt, worthlessness, and hurt against me. Instead of seeking comfort in my close friends and family, he tries to make me feel alone and that I don't belong. It has been somewhat difficult to battle this lately because now that I am back home, I am surround by friends and family but most of which who are in serious relationships, getting married, or are married and with children. I sometimes feel that I don't belong but  yet again my friends want me to share in their lives with them and they want to see me equally as happy.

Something interesting and quite unexpected happened tonight when I went over to my friend savannah's for girls night. I have been gone for several months and haven't seen my friend savannah's little boy, Tristan, for over 3 months. He'll be 3 at the end of this year; although I haven't spent all that much time with him, I am definitely no stranger to him. When I first walked into Savannah's house he heard everyone saying my name and immediately started calling me "bridgie" and held out his hand and asked me to come play with him. I was kind of reluctant because I wanted to sit down and talk with my girl friends after just arriving but I was the shiny new toy in the crowd, so I obliged. He wanted to play with animals and he was proceeding to tell me all of the names of the ones he had and the names of the different cars he had. I sat there stunned for a second realizing that my heart had not felt this light in a long time. I miss being around children, I miss being around people who had the heart of a child. To see someone's face light up at small things and for someone to laugh for no reason are things I don't think we do enough of today. It seems like it takes a dirty joke for someone to get a good laugh or that the only things that bring us joy are new "things" or more money. I was happy to have shared in a moment of such sweet simplicity. I can say though that I have always loved the quote by the famous Russian writer, Dostoevsky, "the soul is healed by being with children." To think about that quote and then think about how I felt after playing with a child, there are so many parallels to be drawn. I also think of when Jesus says, ..."I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" - Matthew 18:3. I want to be like a child and to trust completely in the Lord's plan for me and to not worry about things of this world. Sometimes we place such emphasis on "life" and not about "our life" if that makes any sense to anyone else. We get caught up in day to day things and forget the eternal goal and what we should be striving for everyday in order to help us get there. I think today was one of those days where Satan wanted to make me feel unloved and worthless and in some ways he did succeed. He made me feel those things but instead of dwelling on them and staying alone, I sought friendship, love, and healing. I want God to be able to look at Satan and say there is no way you are getting this one. I am choosing Christ during those moments of weakness, the only person who can overcome any feelings of doubt, despair, or worthlessness. This has made all the difference. 

+AMDG+