Done

I am proud to say that I finished my PANCE exam this afternoon. This is something that I have been working towards for the past 28 months of my life and I surely hope I have gained enough knowledge and skill to have passed the exam to become a certified PA. I can't thank all of my friends and family enough for supporting me and constantly giving me words of encouragement and praying for me through it all. Grace definitely abounds when you are seeking God's will. I will have to wait a week for the results of the examination but I am excited to start this new stage of my life. I am excited to work as a PA, to gain more knowledge, to help the sick, and to offer an ear to those who need it. I am also excited to finally be getting paid to do something instead of paying to do everything! lol. I have two job interviews tomorrow here in augusta and then flying back out to Tahoe to move all of my stuff back in my car. I will miss Tahoe terribly, it is hard not to fall in love with a place like that; but I will be back in Georgia where my family is and where my heart is. My heart is on its way back to being whole again and even though I will leave a little part of me in Tahoe, it is Tahoe that my heart belongs to, not someone there. Things do get better with time and this is one more step in the right direction for me. Please keep me in your prayers, they keep me going. Love you all.

“Love takes up where knowledge leaves off.” - St. Thomas Aquinas

+AMDG+

Never Going Back to Ok

As I think back to where I was 3 weeks ago, I have to shudder. To see how far I've come in the last 3 weeks is really like night and day to me. I still think sometimes about what would have happened had things not ended then and if I had accepted a job out in Nevada. I still wonder why a person has to be "broken" in a sense to have their life turn in a different direction but I am ok with that. The more days that pass by, the more I am at peace with not knowing and realizing it is all a part of God's plan. I think of the the After's song "never going back to ok" and I think it is fitting that I realize that nothing in this life should be "ok" ... life is meant to be lived with zeal and vigor. Mediocrity and apathy is the destroyer of society. People have certain morals ingrained into them by their parents and previous generations but yet society has created this middle ground of mediocrity and apathy. This apathy and mediocrity are what bring our society down, people who are ok with only doing the minimum required to slide by in life and yet hope for everything. I would beg to say that if you only put in part of anything you will only end up with partial result.
I constantly have discussions with my mother and several friends about how our society and the people of my general seriously lack work ethic. People think that other better things will come along when they do absolutely nothing for them, and maybe they are right to some extent... we have the government to thank for that. I don't understand how people can not show up to work, will steal from their employers, and will not lift a finger to help someone if they don't get paid extra for it. I wonder where the days have gone where people actually take pride in their work and lend a hand to help their fellow man. It is odd for me to be saying this because normally I have a pair of rose colored glasses on but as I am applying for jobs now after completing my MPA I think about the people I'll potentially work with and the type of people I want to work for. I think of the patients I potentially get to minister to and think of the qualities that would make a good PA and a good health care provider to them. I understand its easier for someone who has been through school and has a certain set of of job skills to say all of these nice things when I'm not having to flip burgers at the local drive through. But I will say that I was a nursing assistant and I wiped people's butts all day, gave bed baths and   emptied urinals, took stool samples and had people barf on me and I did my best to be the best nursing assistant I could, even when I knew I was going to PA school. No act, no matter how small or how "gross" should ever be beneath someone. These are acts of love for your fellow man and every fellow man is deserving of love and respect. On thing I always remember my dad saying "I am not here to be served, but to serve." We are here in this world to make it a better place, to spread the Gospel of Christ to as many people as we can and to live a life pleasing to God so that one day when I meet my creator at the gates of heaven He will be able to say "well done my good and faithful servant." The scripture that comes to mind of this is

 "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." 
-Matthew 25:40.


I challenge ya'll, to think of parts of your life where you are not living fully and may think are "ok" but would be too much work to change or be different. Then live it more fully! As in the words of the After's song- "I'm never going back to ok."

+AMDG+

Thomas Merton

I have recently come to discover the works of Thomas Merton... an early 20th century writer, poet and Roman Catholic Franciscan priest. Every time I read excerpts from his works or quotes from his writings I am completely taken aback at how I instantly relate to his writings. I am having a hard time focusing today, being somewhat lazy in my studying and I needed some inspiration to keep me going. Just a few quotes that I came across today that make my heart happy and hopeful.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to... fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
— Thomas Merton

"Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything."
— Thomas Merton

"You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope."
— Thomas Merton

"Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody's business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy."
— Thomas Merton

"A man knows when he has found his vocation when he stops
thinking about how to live and begins to live."
— Thomas Merton

"Despair is the absolute extreme of self-love. It is reached when a person deliberately turns his back on all help from anyone else in order to taste the rotten luxury of knowing himself to be lost"
— Thomas Merton



Hope you enjoyed this. +AMDG+

Everyday I get a little bit stronger

As I was talking with several friends today including some extended family members, I've realized how much stronger I'm getting and how much easier it is to talk about things and not start to well up with tears. I have so many people who are praying for me and who support me that I can not feel anything but blessed even after all I have been through in the past few weeks. Every day I tell myself that God has something even more spectacular planned than what I had planned and that he has an incredible someone that will love me for who I am and I will always be enough for. I say it to myself everyday and I tell other people that as well and everyday I come to believe it a little more and to hope a little more in the plans the Lord has planned for me. I am so grateful for God's protecting arms around me, but if there is one thing I've learned is that you can't have love without suffering. I will also say that learning to love, mainly loving with the heart of Christ, is worth every suffering that I have encountered. I am a better person for it and I will continue to follow God's will for me ... to Love.


"Anyone who wishes to give love must also receive love as a gift. Certainly as the Lord tells us, one can become a source from which rivers of living water flow (cf. Jn 7:37-38). Yet to become such a source, one must constantly drink anew from the original source, which is Jesus Christ, from whose pierced heart flows the love of God (cf. Jn 19:34)." 
– Pope Benedict XVI, Deus Caritas Est

+AMDG+

What do we really need?

As I was studying through out today I have been somewhat preoccupied with the thought of "what do we really need?" My friend Deanna joined me for my last 2 hrs of studying and of course somehow we ended up not studying and discussing life. She is a school teacher and has seen so many children not prepared for school and families not being able to afford some of the basic needs for their children. We also talked about schools and how we recognize its the parents job to educate their children first and foremost and not the teachers. I have seen so many children get so many of their wants but yet centrally lack what I believe are needs in their lives. I wish the world would just wake up so to speak and realize what really matters and to try to meet the needs that are essential to every human being. People need to be loved, and loved unconditionally.

I struggled with this myself growing up, believing that my worth came from my academic achievements and my book knowledge. Something hurt me at one point and time in my upbringing that made me forever think, if only I got better grades people will love me more or my family will look lovingly upon me. I have to say I grew up in a very loving household and to my knowledge I can't point out one specific instance where that thought started to become ingrained in my mind but it stayed there for many years. It also is never easy when you have 3 very brilliant and accomplished older siblings to stack up to. Being an extrovert in a family of introverts has its challenges as well. I for one never liked to focus on one thing, and that thing being school work, but I thrived on interpersonal relationships. I always loved to be around people and to be doing things with people. I think this became apparent to my parents early on on high school when I started to have a social life before the ages that my siblings had started at. I didn't graduate High School with honors and I had no academic awards to show but I had some pretty amazing friends and I still do as a matter of fact.

I went to college and finally decided the summer going into my junior year that I wanted to become a physician assistant after I had spent the past 2 years as a Nursing major. Biology major was the most logical choice on the list to prepare me for PA school. I'd like to think I have been smart all along but for the first time when I had a goal in mind, I set the standards and I actually exceeded them. I also realized that people didn't respect me for my intelligence, and that people recognized me for who I really was... even if intelligence happened to be a quality that had been lurking in the shadows for some time. I felt like people knew I was going to be a good PA because of my heart, my compassion and my perseverance. I don't think people would think I would be a good PA if I was stupid so that knocked that thought out but it was nice to have friends recognize the qualities I thought were special all along and how those come help me become a great PA. So many people out there need unconditional love, that is just my story of how I came to know and feel it. God gives everyone such special gifts and we need to utilize the precious gifts he has given us. I become more aware of the gifts every day as I allow God to work in my life. I know everyone needs to be loved and I know that God loves me and I want to work every day to allow people to be able to feel that God loves them as well. I'm getting too tired to carry on but God gives us what we need, when we need it. Remember that in good times and in bad. +AMDG+

Edith Stein Quote

I just happened across this quote, and undoubtedly God always gives me the perfect words from a Saint or from scripture to help me in my daily struggles.

Whatever did not fit in with my plan did lie within the plan of God. I have an ever deeper and firmer belief that nothing is merely an accident when seen in the light of God, that my whole life down to the smallest details has been marked out for me in the plan of Divine Providence and has a completely coherent meaning in God's all-seeing eyes. And so I am beginning to rejoice in the light of glory wherein this meaning will be unveiled to me.

--Saint Edith Stein

Day 4

I couldn't really think of a title for this day, except that it was another day and day 4 without crying. I had a harder time today than in the last few days. I couldn't tell you why but I woke up this morning not feeling my best and I went to Panera to study during the day and found myself thinking of things I needed to do and things I should do but really had no desire to do. One thing I believe I've been blessed with is a deep insight into situations and matters of the heart. I have come to a lot of realizations lately about myself and about how I deal with things. I know also as I find more about myself, I am able to pinpoint my weaknesses. I don't necessarily get discouraged the more I find out that I need to fix but rather I get overwhelmed with trying to fix everything at once and not realizing not everything is an easy fix. As I also come to know my weaknesses and my strengths more intimately, Satan is ever knocking at my door. He knows where I'm weak and he tries to use my feelings of doubt, worthlessness, and hurt against me. Instead of seeking comfort in my close friends and family, he tries to make me feel alone and that I don't belong. It has been somewhat difficult to battle this lately because now that I am back home, I am surround by friends and family but most of which who are in serious relationships, getting married, or are married and with children. I sometimes feel that I don't belong but  yet again my friends want me to share in their lives with them and they want to see me equally as happy.

Something interesting and quite unexpected happened tonight when I went over to my friend savannah's for girls night. I have been gone for several months and haven't seen my friend savannah's little boy, Tristan, for over 3 months. He'll be 3 at the end of this year; although I haven't spent all that much time with him, I am definitely no stranger to him. When I first walked into Savannah's house he heard everyone saying my name and immediately started calling me "bridgie" and held out his hand and asked me to come play with him. I was kind of reluctant because I wanted to sit down and talk with my girl friends after just arriving but I was the shiny new toy in the crowd, so I obliged. He wanted to play with animals and he was proceeding to tell me all of the names of the ones he had and the names of the different cars he had. I sat there stunned for a second realizing that my heart had not felt this light in a long time. I miss being around children, I miss being around people who had the heart of a child. To see someone's face light up at small things and for someone to laugh for no reason are things I don't think we do enough of today. It seems like it takes a dirty joke for someone to get a good laugh or that the only things that bring us joy are new "things" or more money. I was happy to have shared in a moment of such sweet simplicity. I can say though that I have always loved the quote by the famous Russian writer, Dostoevsky, "the soul is healed by being with children." To think about that quote and then think about how I felt after playing with a child, there are so many parallels to be drawn. I also think of when Jesus says, ..."I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" - Matthew 18:3. I want to be like a child and to trust completely in the Lord's plan for me and to not worry about things of this world. Sometimes we place such emphasis on "life" and not about "our life" if that makes any sense to anyone else. We get caught up in day to day things and forget the eternal goal and what we should be striving for everyday in order to help us get there. I think today was one of those days where Satan wanted to make me feel unloved and worthless and in some ways he did succeed. He made me feel those things but instead of dwelling on them and staying alone, I sought friendship, love, and healing. I want God to be able to look at Satan and say there is no way you are getting this one. I am choosing Christ during those moments of weakness, the only person who can overcome any feelings of doubt, despair, or worthlessness. This has made all the difference. 

+AMDG+

Unexpected Graces

I woke up this morning, realized I had slept for the longest time without waking up multiple times during the course of sleep in the past 8 days. I guess at this point you start appreciating most of the small things and you realize that the bigger things will come with time. I looked at my phone this morning and I had a linked contact suggestion from a person on facebook that I didn't recognize. The name sounded familiar but I couldn't pinpoint who they were. So I linked them anyways because apparently I had their gmail address as well. I then decided to pull the computer over to me to look this person up. I looked them up and yes I did recognize them once I read their facebook profile but then as I kept on reading I was amazed at this scripture I found on their page. I can tell you I have read a lot in Corinthians lately but I don't remember coming across these verses. But oh how I needed to hear them! If anything I about welled up with tears of joy, and not sorrow or pain. These verses are filled with so much hope, life, and healing. I am always astounded by the most intricate ways God gives us messages to help us along the way. Sometimes they are so simple and are right in front of our faces and then other times he strategically places them there for the future. Here is the scripture that touched my heart and soul this morning.

‎"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18


God also has blessed me with such loving friends and family. I know I keep saying this over and over again how grateful I am for the blessing they are in my life but it is so true. I received a text this morning from my old roomie from undergraduate, Lori. She has to come to Augusta today for a meeting and was wondering if I was free for lunch. I hate how it goes so long before I can see some of my friends. I know living 2500 miles away from them for 3 months can do that but even friends that live relatively near and that I don't get to see but every 6 months - 1 year. I just have to say God knows what He is doing, even if I don't understand it and I can't see it. I also keep on thinking of the scripture in Jeremiah of how God promises to do good to us and does not seek to destroy us.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11


I will place my trust in the Lord and He will see me through. Thank you Lord for the gift of my faith, for my friends, for my family, and for the gift of my mind and heart.  +AMDG+

Upward Swing

Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried since well my birthday really but mainly since things ended between us. I still have my low times during the day but no tears. I won't say I won't cry again from all of these things but for now things seemed to have settled down. I am trying my best to concentrate on studying for my boards which are at the end of this month and to rest my heart in the loving arms of family, friends and my Savior. I think one thing that was making me so upset was that I think I was trying to deny that I cared about him or that I still do care about him. I realized that trying to push my love for him out of my mind made the situation worse. I know some people may want to call me a glutton for punishment for keeping conversation or even a friendship going at this point, but for me I think its therapy. I do still care about him, I want what is best for him and one day I wake up and I won't be in love with him anymore and I'll just love him as a brother in Christ. But for now, I am not going to deny it because it would not be truly how I feel about him. Yes, I'm hurt and yes I'm upset but time will mend all things. I think its funny that he was the one who encouraged me to start blogging again and I did ... the week before things ended between us. Now I have some way to express everything I'm feeling, or most everything.

As much as I'm hurt, I am not going to bash him and I am not going to say mean things about him but I will say that he needs prayers and he needs healing even more than I do. For most people who know me can say they have never seen me like this before, and to all of you who have been going through this with me... I hope you never have to see me go through this again. I don't like admitting that I'm depressed or that I am not eating hardly anything but one thing thing at a time. I can't expect everything to get magically better all at once. God knew what he was doing when He put Ben into my life and He knew was He was doing when He took him out. God has some greater plan for me, and if I wanted so badly for something to work out that was wrong for me, imagine how beautiful it will be when He puts the right person in my life. I want someone who will keep fighting for me to the very end, someone that will go to the feet of the Father and ask for my heart. To romance it, to nourish it, to trust in it, and to hold it until either one of our souls leaves this earth. A relationship with God is such poetry and romance, it is so hard for me to see how people can't believe that God is personal.

I think of all of my friends who are married, or are getting married and think how blessed they are. I am so happy for them that they have waited and have waited and finally found the person God intended for them. I know they always say it happens when you least expect it and that is why I thought the relationship I had was so different. It took me completely by surprise and in a sense it ended completely by surprise. I look forward to the day when I meet the person God has intended for me and I realize then why it never worked out with anyone else. I am Christ's beloved, his own darling daughter, and I pray for the strength to live each day for Him and to never cease to praise Him.

+AMDG+

Blank Stares

Something I have never been able to do is to hide how I'm feeling, or atleast very well. When I'm sad it shows, and when I'm happy it shows but now I feel like everyone can see straight through me. I feel like everywhere I go someone is looking into me and sees the pain I'm feeling. It is almost an eerie type of feeling. I am trying to be as normal as I can... and the most normal I feel is when I'm delving into books or taking practice exams because my mind is so focused on the task at hand that everything else seems to fade for the time being. I don't like being affected so much and feeling like he is so detached and withdrawn. I feel things so keenly. It is a blessing in so many ways but now it makes the hurt twice as bad. I don't like not being able to eat, I don't like watching myself get on the scale and get closer to double digits. I feel sick when ever I eat and things I used to enjoy, seem petty. I do find solace in friends and family, even though sometimes its hard to talk about things, I usually feel better after I have. I enjoy talking about the good times we have shared in the past and to try to focus on those and also to have things to look forward to in the future.

So many obstacles and trials to overcome here in the near future but I will look back on this years from now and say I got through that and look where I am now. I know God has given me strength, as a spiritual gift, through out my life and at times like these I feel like I've been strong enough or that I don't want to be strong anymore. God hears me and says I know you can do this, because all things are possible through me, and I am given more strength to overcome each trial I face. I know a lot of times I don't feel like I have the strength but I wake up everyday knowing that God will see me through the day. Some days are worse than others but I think that is because I given into the doubt, the fears, the rejection that is knocking at my door. I want to trust completely in Christ and to believe everything will be well if I just trust His will for me. I need the love of friends and family, and especially I need the love that only comes from the Father... His healing love. I need to feel Christ's love in an extra special way and I need healing, healing from all of this pain and feelings of rejection. I am a child of God and I am worth so much to Him... please help me to believe it on a daily basis.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. " Philippians 4:13

+AMDG+

Here's My Life

I'm trying to concentrate the best I can while studying but after hearing this song come on through the shuffle on my Itunes, I had to share it. I just have to remember that giving my life and making the decision to live it for Christ is something that needs to happen everyday. Even on the days that are hard, like now, I have to remember that it is so important to keep on giving up everything to God. The pain, the sorrow, the rejection, the sadness, and the doubt. God is calling me to something different, something I don't understand at the moment but something more wonderful than I could ever imagine. Everyday I have to give my heart to Him and place my trust in His plan as He would have it, not as I would have it.


"Here's My Life" - Barlowgirl


Once again I said my goodbyes
To those who I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home
'Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life

On the day that You called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same
Though the call is hard
You are worth it all

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more

Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words You've spoken over my life
Promises I've yet to see
You comfort me

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more, here's my life 

+AMDG+

Home is Where the Heart is

I think my flight home was the longest flight of my life. I think because all I could think about was the last 10 months and how I always have flown alone before I met you and then I finally didn't have to fly alone anymore and now I am back to flying alone again. I really don't know what to say at this point, in some ways it gets easier every day but I still cry, can't sleep, and can't eat. I cried several times on the flight home, while sitting next to one tall disgruntled man playing several games on his Ipad the whole time and another business man with his blackberry and sleeping the other half, I went unnoticed.

I may never understand the reasoning for all of this but I surely do know that God has something better in store for me. I need to trust in His plan and continue to seek His will for me. I got off the plane and I saw my mom and I ran up to her and hugged her and started to sob. I have been longing for someone to hold me and hug me for the last 3 days. Even though I have had so many friends calling and checking in on me, the feeling of that love being able to be physically manifest meant the entire. I don't know if blogging will end up becoming some kind of therapy for me in a sense but atleast I won't go through all of this and one day come to the end and think "I never said that, or I wish I had let others in to what was going on with me." I was promised the world and the rug was taken right out from under my feet. But one thing I realized is that everything is a gift from God and I could not have been given something or promised something that the Father didn't want me to have.

Growing up and growing older I saw countless friends get their hearts broken and I have come to the rescue. I felt that I had learned from some of their mistakes or maybe from some of the dishonest qualities their ex's had exhibited. I have always been afraid to fall in love with someone because I have seen the hurt and pain in others when things have not worked out and when they have put their all in a relationship only to see it fail. I didn't want to become the person I saw after that destruction. I was the strong person for them in that situation, and now I am the person   in that situation. My friends couldn't believe that I had finally found someone and that I was really taking a chance and becoming vulnerable to someone. I realize now even through the pain that that is the only way to have a relationship, is to be vulnerable to one another. Too bad in my case that it wasn't a two way street. I moved 2500 miles across the country away from family and friends and anyone I really knew to be with someone who didn't place me at the same priority that I placed him.

In the end, I am back with my family and friends, back to people and a community that cares about me, and back to people who respect and love me for the way I am. There is not a part of me that is unfulfilling, missing, or not good enough to the people here. I    may have my down times for awhile but I will hold my head up high knowing that I am a beautiful daughter of Christ and I followed His will faithfully to the end. I can't thank my friends and family enough for being there through all of these hard times, especially recently. I will allow myself to be enveloped by the saving arms of Christ and to bury my heart in Him. That it may be nurtured, healed, and loved until a man worthy of my love comes to the Father and asks for it. Such a beautiful thought, and so many things to hope for and to come.

+AMDG+

Pain, Rejection, and Love

I wish I could describe the pain I'm feeling right now, its something that hurts deep to the pit of your soul. Its something that doesn't come and go, it just stays and sits. A constant reminder of where a piece of your heart used to be. I don't want that empty space to be taken over by bitterness, regret, sadness, or hate. The tears haven't stopped falling since last time we spoke. How can someone feel so empty without that piece of their heart? It goes to show that the heart never stops loving and how resilient it is. I feel so betrayed, I guess I knew there was always the possibility that things would not work out but to base things off a feeling. If I based everything on a feeling and out of fear I would have never gotten to where I am today. The one consolation I have is that God has something even more spectacular planned for me, for those who follow His will. There was this glimmer of hope when you said you still have my heart but apparently that was just a foretaste of the pain to come. I can't even explain how I feel. I feel like I am going to explode from so many feelings and emotions. I hated to see you cry but even though you said it was the hardest thing you've ever had to do, the hardest thing is yet to come. You will have to realize what you lost and live without it. We had something with such great potential and that was already great. I don't know what to say to you anymore, I still love you but I can't see myself marrying you either with the way you are. Never make decisions based on fear, this was something I never expected and I never expected to meet you or to fall in love with you. I gave you everything that was mine to give, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Its not in my nature to hold back, I  have learned so much about myself and how much I can give, and giving even way beyond what I thought was possible. I loved, loved so much, only to be rejected. I know many people have felt that pain and rejection is probably the worst poverty in this world. I know that Satan sees this and will be trying to attack me with feelings of worthlessness, doubt, fear, and a multitude of other falices. Even through all of this I keep on seeing the vision of Jesus on the cross saying "I thirst" and he wants me to thirst for Him during this difficult time and to stay so close to His heart. I am hurting, God will bring me though all of this, but this suffering is for a reason, one beyond my understanding. Please pray for me, that I may still be a true servant of Christ through all of this and I may never stray from Him.

Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever . +AMDG+