Renewal

I had the opportunity to go on a retreat this weekend with my alma mater, Georgia College and State University's, Campus Catholics group. I was kind of hesitant to go at first because its been 3+ years now since I graduated from GCSU and I knew I would hardly know anyone. Plus being out of school now and a few years older than the other retreatants, I figured I'd wouldn't be able to relate as much to them since I am at quite a different stage of life than them. Boy was I wrong in so many ways. I realized that being a youth, no matter what age, has the same challenges and the same frustrations throughout. I heard countless youth share how they longed for a community of people they could call family, and that they could trust and count on. I realized that not only had I longed for that when I was in college but I still sought it now. Don't get me wrong I have a wonderful family and a great group of friends but most are married, having children, or are too far away from me. I missed being around a great group of people all the time, to have that sense of comradery and belonging to Christ's body, we the Church. 

I remember when I was a freshman at GCSU and maybe 8 people came to Campus Catholics functions religiously (no pun intended), and it seemed everyone had their own separate lives outside of the weekly meetings. I went to mass every Sunday by myself for almost 2 years, and people would ask me why I went every Sunday when they would see me walk to church alone. I had to think about that for awhile because I knew I wasnt' going because I thought I was supposed to but because one thing I found different between my protestant brothers and sister's is that I go to church for Christ, because he is present there, not because my friends are present with me. But I also longed for a sense of community as well, and because of this I was torn, I even bargained with God in some ways saying "I have gone to church by myself for almost 2 years, I hope this pleases you because I feel terribly alone in my faith sometimes." I also realized that God put me through that time to see how much I loved him and how blindly I was willing to follow in some ways. I am so happy to see how much Campus Catholics has grown over the past few years; it brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. I love knowing there is a group of people out there who love Christ as much as I do and who I can share my life with. I am so happy to be a member of the Body of Christ, His Church. 

I have been carrying so many burdens recently, as many of you know, but in my mind I had given forgiveness but after going to confession, the priest said... "you have forgiven in your mind, but you speak otherwise." I know this will hurt for some time but God will given me total healing in His time. I had a wonderful talk with the retreat leader, Chris who happens to run the campus ministry at Kenesaw State University. I don't know why but I felt that God was telling me to just be open and to just sit down and talk. I don't even remember how we got on the topic of what was going on in my life but before I knew it, things were spilling out and I was starting to feel bad for just letting things just topple out to someone I hardly knew but he just sat there and listened. He had so many words of wisdom for me; and although some of the things he said to me I already knew, hearing them come from someone else, especially a total stranger, made all the difference. The healing process started during confession that morning, moved to the conversation with Chris out on the dock and hit the pinnacle during adoration that night. I love spending time with Christ in adoration. I am most drawn to going to adoration when my heart is heavy, I go to lay down my troubles at the feet of Jesus and to be renewed in my walk with Him. One thing I have somewhat lacked during adoration is actually realizing the word "adoration" and how I often come to spend time with Christ but rarely do I come to just adore Him. I have gone countless times to adoration and presented my burdens to Christ and pray for answers and wisdom but one thing I haven't done is to leave my burdens at His feet. Instead I have gone and prayed and then picked up my burdens once again instead of leaving them in the hands of God. I also realize I haven't come to just adore Christ and his true presence in the Eucharist. Although I believe in it and I believe it is the most personal time I ever spend with God, I do not adore. I remember last night having Chris lay his hand on me while I was kneeling down and with my head down praying and I just felt my burdens lift and for the first time I felt like I could just sit there and adore, and nothing else mattered. What an amazing feeling?! A quote from the retreat leader, who gives credit to his wife...

"The closest thing to Christ besides the Eucharist, is the person sitting next to you." 

+AMDG+