I may never understand the reasoning for all of this but I surely do know that God has something better in store for me. I need to trust in His plan and continue to seek His will for me. I got off the plane and I saw my mom and I ran up to her and hugged her and started to sob. I have been longing for someone to hold me and hug me for the last 3 days. Even though I have had so many friends calling and checking in on me, the feeling of that love being able to be physically manifest meant the entire. I don't know if blogging will end up becoming some kind of therapy for me in a sense but atleast I won't go through all of this and one day come to the end and think "I never said that, or I wish I had let others in to what was going on with me." I was promised the world and the rug was taken right out from under my feet. But one thing I realized is that everything is a gift from God and I could not have been given something or promised something that the Father didn't want me to have.
Growing up and growing older I saw countless friends get their hearts broken and I have come to the rescue. I felt that I had learned from some of their mistakes or maybe from some of the dishonest qualities their ex's had exhibited. I have always been afraid to fall in love with someone because I have seen the hurt and pain in others when things have not worked out and when they have put their all in a relationship only to see it fail. I didn't want to become the person I saw after that destruction. I was the strong person for them in that situation, and now I am the person in that situation. My friends couldn't believe that I had finally found someone and that I was really taking a chance and becoming vulnerable to someone. I realize now even through the pain that that is the only way to have a relationship, is to be vulnerable to one another. Too bad in my case that it wasn't a two way street. I moved 2500 miles across the country away from family and friends and anyone I really knew to be with someone who didn't place me at the same priority that I placed him.
In the end, I am back with my family and friends, back to people and a community that cares about me, and back to people who respect and love me for the way I am. There is not a part of me that is unfulfilling, missing, or not good enough to the people here. I may have my down times for awhile but I will hold my head up high knowing that I am a beautiful daughter of Christ and I followed His will faithfully to the end. I can't thank my friends and family enough for being there through all of these hard times, especially recently. I will allow myself to be enveloped by the saving arms of Christ and to bury my heart in Him. That it may be nurtured, healed, and loved until a man worthy of my love comes to the Father and asks for it. Such a beautiful thought, and so many things to hope for and to come.
+AMDG+
i know what you mean about wanting someone to hug you and hold you... its just not the same as a phone call. glad your home with your family now! and i am SO proud of you for taking the chance and making yourself vulnerable.
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