Blank Stares

Something I have never been able to do is to hide how I'm feeling, or atleast very well. When I'm sad it shows, and when I'm happy it shows but now I feel like everyone can see straight through me. I feel like everywhere I go someone is looking into me and sees the pain I'm feeling. It is almost an eerie type of feeling. I am trying to be as normal as I can... and the most normal I feel is when I'm delving into books or taking practice exams because my mind is so focused on the task at hand that everything else seems to fade for the time being. I don't like being affected so much and feeling like he is so detached and withdrawn. I feel things so keenly. It is a blessing in so many ways but now it makes the hurt twice as bad. I don't like not being able to eat, I don't like watching myself get on the scale and get closer to double digits. I feel sick when ever I eat and things I used to enjoy, seem petty. I do find solace in friends and family, even though sometimes its hard to talk about things, I usually feel better after I have. I enjoy talking about the good times we have shared in the past and to try to focus on those and also to have things to look forward to in the future.

So many obstacles and trials to overcome here in the near future but I will look back on this years from now and say I got through that and look where I am now. I know God has given me strength, as a spiritual gift, through out my life and at times like these I feel like I've been strong enough or that I don't want to be strong anymore. God hears me and says I know you can do this, because all things are possible through me, and I am given more strength to overcome each trial I face. I know a lot of times I don't feel like I have the strength but I wake up everyday knowing that God will see me through the day. Some days are worse than others but I think that is because I given into the doubt, the fears, the rejection that is knocking at my door. I want to trust completely in Christ and to believe everything will be well if I just trust His will for me. I need the love of friends and family, and especially I need the love that only comes from the Father... His healing love. I need to feel Christ's love in an extra special way and I need healing, healing from all of this pain and feelings of rejection. I am a child of God and I am worth so much to Him... please help me to believe it on a daily basis.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. " Philippians 4:13

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