For the first time I looked at pictures that were taken while we were together. I deleted all of the ones we had together but I kept several of places we had been and of me at those particular places just because new places are always special to me, especially with someone you care about. I miss Tahoe, I miss the cool mornings and evenings and the pleasant days. I miss Ms. Charlene the widow at St. Francis's that I was friends with; she provided me with much advice and wisdom. The sunsets and sunrises were to die for, not that Charleston hasn't had spectacular one's since I've been here but there is definitely something extraordinary about Tahoe. I miss the small town and trips "into the city." I won't forget how normal I thought it was that there was a bear in my backyard or one crossing the street. I miss the snow, and when I mean snow, I mean SNOW. The softness and peacefulness after it snowed, and believe it or not I miss shoveling it (more likely using the snow blower).
I know it probably doesn't help me at all to state all the things I miss about the place but I feel for some reason it will help me get through what I'm feeling tonight. I am not shy about who reads this because this is mainly for myself, just to get the things I want to say out so they aren't left festering inside of me. Why all of this stuff comes and goes in waves, I don't know, but I do know that for the most part I'm better. Lately, things emotionally have been a struggle. It feels like things are all unraveling at the seams in multiple aspects of life, but one thing I know is that I have some amazing friends. Although the friends I have made here don't know the specifics or much about what happened in my last relationship that ultimately led me to be here in Charleston, they know me after having gone through all of it and love me even while i'm still going through some of it.
God is truly Good. After I always get everything out of my system I am constantly reminded of what I have left after you take everything else away... Hope. Hope because of Christ. I have nothing of my own, everything I have been given comes from God. Time and time again I fall victim to these feelings of depression or rejection but when these feelings come it really comes down to how you deal with them. Jesus longs to give me healing, if I would only pour my heart out to Him when I'm hurting. We often look for self healing because we are prideful, not wanting to admit to others we are hurt and to seek healing from outside of ourselves. There are times when the only way healing can occur is to flesh everything out and to keep our hearts open so that Jesus can fully fill the void we are feeling. This reminds me of a great quote by Dr. Peter Kreeft...
"Your heart is like an infinitely large hole, and only God is big enough to fill it."
How often do we try to fill up the holes in our hearts with empty things? I feel lost at times but I have to remember that God has a purpose for where I am right now in my life, even for these periods of spiritual dryness and for the instances of weaknesses. It's a matter of how we handle them and allowing ourselves to grow from them. No more sadness tonight. God is Good, all the time. All the time, God is Good.
"Don't get upset with your imperfections. It's a
great mistake because it leads nowhere - to get angry because you are angry,
upset at being upset, depressed at being depressed, disappointed because you
are disappointed. So don't fool yourself. Simply surrender to the Power of
God's Love, which is always greater than our weakness." - St. Francis De Sales
+AMDG+
